Category Archives: Funny quotes

Funny quotes

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“Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another.”
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“It is sometimes an appropriate response to reality to go insane.”
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“Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world.”
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“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
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“I don’t want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.”
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“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
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“If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.”
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“For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much—the wheel, New York, wars and so on—whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins
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“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war,
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“Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.”
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“Wicked people never have time for reading. It’s one of the reasons for their wickedness.”
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“Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying ‘End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH’, the paint wouldn’t even have time to dry.”
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“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.”
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“Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don’t always like.”
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“With great power… comes great need to take a nap. Wake me up later.”
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When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun‘.
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“There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.”
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“I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.”
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“This life’s hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid.”
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“All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.”
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