“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.”
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“Usually I’m remarkably good natured. Try me on a day that doesn’t end in y.”
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“If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.”
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“Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.”
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“I was asked once, ‘you’re a smart man, why aren’t you rich? I replied ‘you’re a rich man, why aren’t you smart?”
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“I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.”
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“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
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“I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.”
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“I have great faith in fools – self-confidence my friends will call it.”
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“If you’re looking for sympathy you’ll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.”
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“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
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“It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.”
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“I’m not saying that everything is survivable. Just that everything except the last thing is.”
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“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”
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“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
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“I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”
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“Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world.”
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“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war,
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“Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.”
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“Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying ‘End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH’, the paint wouldn’t even have time to dry.”